At the end of October, Jesse and I took Kampbell into to The Children’s Center in Salt Lake City to have his “autism” diagnosis re-evaluated. It turns out Kamp is much lower on the autism spectrum than we thought. Of course, Jesse and I had our suspicions, which is why we took the time (and spent the money) to have him re-evaluated.
I was surprised at how bad it hurt. It felt – and still feels – like someone’s stabbed me in the heart. I titled this post Neverland because I guess that’s how I see my Kamp; he is my “lost boy” who will never grow up. Jesse and I now have to face the reality that Kamp will never be able to be on his own.
It is all a little overwhelming, and honestly a little depressing. I’m not perfect; and I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t locked myself in the bathroom with all the lights off and balled my eyes out. I have. Several times. For some reason, it just feels good. And it’s much more dramatic to cry in the dark.
But, in the spirit of being thankful, I can honestly say that I’m thankful that my Kamp doesn’t have to deal with the complexities involved in growing up. He won’t have the burden of fitting in, or getting the right grades; getting into the right college, paying bills or dealing with relationships. Everything gets to stay very simple and innocent for him. He is my Peter Pan who can stay in childhood bliss through every breath he takes on this earth.
Isn’t that what we all secretly hope for? To live in a world where your biggest worry is whether or not Mom remembered to buy ranch dressing.
Don’t worry, I did.
In the Broadway musical, “Peter Pan”, Peter and the Lost Boys sing a song entitled, “I Won’t Grow Up.” They sing, “If growing up means it would be beneath my dignity to climb a tree, I’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up, not me!” That describes my Kamp perfectly.
So this Thanksgiving, have fun in the real world. Jesse, Hadley, Max and I will be in Neverland with Kamp!